Madonna's New Video Deserves To Be Hung Up On
I don't know who the lamebrain was who elected Madonna as the Queen of Pop.
Moreover, I don't even know what such a designation would even mean: most records sold? Most singles to hit #1? Most flesh shown?
Unfortunately, nearly every single female on the pop scene these days is guilty of these sins. Not that selling records is a sin, although the manner of gaining sales most certainly is, especially in Madonna's case. (Ironic, given her name..)
But this article isn't about immorality. (Watch out, because the next one just might be.) Rather, this article is about why Madonna should either hang up her towel, or get another video producer.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, you obviously haven't seen her newest video, Hung Up, which I was recently subjected to on AOL Music.
Dear God in Heaven, I don't know where to start. (Always remembering that I'm leaving morals out of it for once.) I'm not going to mention the tangerine tresses that Miss Ciccone should steer clear of, since she was actually around to wear the retro style the first time around. I'm going to shy away from the fact that her dance moves rendered me catatonic for at least five minutes. (I think she was going for disco, but she ended up with an earnest kitsch that was painful to watch, especially from such... royalty.. as herself.) But... I CANNOT AND WILL NOT SHY AWAY FROM HER LEGS! What in America is up with that leotard? Who allowed that?
Dear and beloved Madonna, you have fallen into the trap that many ageing sexpots have made over the years: you've tried to hold on to the sexiness by flashing a little leg, and, truth be told, it sometimes works. Not this time, though, darling.
Wearing sheer black tights on your dancer's legs only highlights the cellulite more, especially when you've covered up the least flabby bit of flesh with knee-highs that support ankles that seem to spill from unfortunately-coloured shoes in a dark patent leather.
As if this isn't bad enough, O Material One, you make the mortal sin of wearing a hi-cut leotard, which, unfortunately, doesn't hide 1/4 of your backside, which seems to have succumbed to gravity. I'm not dissing 40-somethings, really I'm not. BUT. I am trying to send a message to all the ladies out there who try to hold on to their once and former...oh, let's say "glory"... and end up looking ridiculous on national television. Ok, perhaps not the last part, but you get my drift, don't you O dear reader?
Madonna! Come back here, I'm not through with you just yet, I just got sidetracked. As I was saying... Showing a bit of leg wasn't the way to go; next time, why not wear a sleeveless leotard and leggings? Or even black (opaque, please) tights? You have lovely arms, you know you do. In fact, they're even more toned than Angela Bassett's, and she's Badd with a Capital B.
Anyway, at the risk of sounding like a harridan, I think I'll leave you to consider
my advice.
If you'll forgive me for hanging up now...
Moreover, I don't even know what such a designation would even mean: most records sold? Most singles to hit #1? Most flesh shown?
Unfortunately, nearly every single female on the pop scene these days is guilty of these sins. Not that selling records is a sin, although the manner of gaining sales most certainly is, especially in Madonna's case. (Ironic, given her name..)
But this article isn't about immorality. (Watch out, because the next one just might be.) Rather, this article is about why Madonna should either hang up her towel, or get another video producer.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, you obviously haven't seen her newest video, Hung Up, which I was recently subjected to on AOL Music.
Dear God in Heaven, I don't know where to start. (Always remembering that I'm leaving morals out of it for once.) I'm not going to mention the tangerine tresses that Miss Ciccone should steer clear of, since she was actually around to wear the retro style the first time around. I'm going to shy away from the fact that her dance moves rendered me catatonic for at least five minutes. (I think she was going for disco, but she ended up with an earnest kitsch that was painful to watch, especially from such... royalty.. as herself.) But... I CANNOT AND WILL NOT SHY AWAY FROM HER LEGS! What in America is up with that leotard? Who allowed that?
Dear and beloved Madonna, you have fallen into the trap that many ageing sexpots have made over the years: you've tried to hold on to the sexiness by flashing a little leg, and, truth be told, it sometimes works. Not this time, though, darling.
Wearing sheer black tights on your dancer's legs only highlights the cellulite more, especially when you've covered up the least flabby bit of flesh with knee-highs that support ankles that seem to spill from unfortunately-coloured shoes in a dark patent leather.
As if this isn't bad enough, O Material One, you make the mortal sin of wearing a hi-cut leotard, which, unfortunately, doesn't hide 1/4 of your backside, which seems to have succumbed to gravity. I'm not dissing 40-somethings, really I'm not. BUT. I am trying to send a message to all the ladies out there who try to hold on to their once and former...oh, let's say "glory"... and end up looking ridiculous on national television. Ok, perhaps not the last part, but you get my drift, don't you O dear reader?
Madonna! Come back here, I'm not through with you just yet, I just got sidetracked. As I was saying... Showing a bit of leg wasn't the way to go; next time, why not wear a sleeveless leotard and leggings? Or even black (opaque, please) tights? You have lovely arms, you know you do. In fact, they're even more toned than Angela Bassett's, and she's Badd with a Capital B.
Anyway, at the risk of sounding like a harridan, I think I'll leave you to consider
my advice.
If you'll forgive me for hanging up now...
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