Beware the Sally/Harry!
by Sally Bishai
A danger of being a serial dater (SD) is that the SD runs the risk of becoming a Sally/Harry type.
What is a Sally/Harry, anyway? Well, it’s really easier to explain if you’ve seen the excellent film and cultural phenomenon called When Harry Met Sally. In this film, Billy Crystal plays Harry, a cynical Jersey boy who attended the same university that Sally, played by Meg Ryan, did. Although they didn’t actually meet until they carpooled over to New York together.
The film follows their friendship, from that fateful cross-country drive all the way to their subsequent marriage, more than 10 years later.
The part that I want to direct your attention to is Harry’s contention that men and women can’t be friends “because the sex thing gets in the way.” Meaning (by Harry’s explanation, anyway) that there’s always a bit of attraction (“the sex thing”) going on in inter-gender relationships. Which means that (according to Harry) every inter-gender friendship a person has is basically tempting the fates. And torturing both of you, but that’s another story.
So. Whether you agree with it or not, I’ll be using “the Sally/Harry” to denote certain friendships which occur between one guy and one girl, and which have never been emotional or sexual in any way. Which means that an old boyfriend that it didn’t work out with doesn’t count. Anyway. Moving right along...
Classification
First, let’s have a look at the How of this phenomena. The variations on their modus operandi aren’t abundant-there’s the phone and there’s the internet. Real life might speed things up a bit too much, most likely resulting in a de-Sally/Harrying, as well as a graduation to boy/girlfriend, friends with rights, etc.
Friends of the Sally/Harry variety tend to speak on the phone at least 2 times a week, usually for at least half an hour, and sometimes as much as four or five hours a night. If said friends aren’t internet only, they may even meet up once or twice a week, although meeting is neither necessary nor sufficient for a diagnosis of the Sally/Harry.
I know what you’re thinking-“What on earth is wrong with the sort of friendship that you’re describing, Sally? Have you lost your mind? What’s going on, here?” All in good time, my friend, all in good time. For now, let’s have a look at the What and Why of this mystifying occurrence.
There are two main types of the Sally/Harry: the one-at-a-time, and the all-at-once, although a combining of the two results in the "Kitchen Sink" variety, as in “everything but the kitchen sink.” As the names suggest, the one-at-a-time ends up having one Sally/Harry-ship in his or her life at any given time. These may last weeks, months, years, or decades. The all-at-once, however, may have between three and 15 (of varying depths) at any one time. The Kitchen Sink may have three or four main friends at one time, as well as a number of lesser ones.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: “But wait! What you’re describing is just a normal person with lots of friends!”
Oho, gentle reader! It’s therein that lies the key to this whole sordid mess; the Sally/Harry pair is slightly (if not more so) closer than normal friends, because there’s a hidden spark of interest there, a question of “what if?” albeit on a subconscious level.
What sets this apart from a boy-girl pairing in which one or both are interested in the other is that many times, a person will be interested in someone in a romantic sense, but won’t see the point in having them as a friend if it happens to not work out.
The Sally/Harry, however, banks the spark of attraction and settles for the next best thing-a close friendship. The close nature of the friendship, however-the “this is what my boyfriend did wrong!” conversations end up revealing a more hidden side of the friends, and intimacy starts to develop. After a while, both parties may find themselves to be either half- or head-over-heels-in-love. Let’s look at the problems at this point...
Why Is It Bad?
One problem that the Sally/Harry Friendship Style (TM) can precipitate is that this person (or persons) might end up substituting for your social life, which is bad because if they’re all busy, you won’t have any real friends to talk with/whine to. Also, what if these friends find Someone? You’ll still be alone and they’ll be too busy to care, although if they’re not too busy to care, then their significant other might get jealous and make problems; you might even break them up.
The Sally/Harry can also be responsible for feelings of frustration. This frustration may or may not be on a conscious level, and can strike one or both parties. It results as a byproduct of the closeness, as I’ve mentioned, and causes one to ask, “What’s the next step?” and lament that there’s “nowhere to go from here.” This may be because of significant others in your or their lives, a lack of actual physical attraction, or an issue (such as distance, gossips at church, family pressures), but it could also be because no one wants to make the first move.
But not everyone’s a coward; some people actually do have “the talk,” and end up getting pretty close, in the only way they haven’t. The problem with that is that, unless you end up with some form of commitment, the friendship might be over. If it’s not over, you might end up in a “comfortable” relationship, which is bad because it could go back to being a marriage or relationship of largely platonic feelings (as before) more than anything else. You also might end up with someone who has traits or features that you don’t want in a mate (wrong religion, bad past, etc.), or wouldn’t have chosen had you never caved in and gotten physical. Of course, some people are more concerned with being married/in a comfortable relationship than with choosing someone who embodies all of his/her standards, which may, in time, lead to feelings of resentment.
Furthermore, this “comfortable” relationship can keep you from serious contenders for marriage, or the actual person you’re meant to be with. Although, I guess that if you’re meant to be with someone, even life can’t keep it from happening.
At any rate, the Sally/Harry, at the end of the day, is a bad option for anyone who’s serious about getting married, especially if said person is a prisoner of a closed-minded society. Like our fair Egyptian one...
A danger of being a serial dater (SD) is that the SD runs the risk of becoming a Sally/Harry type.
What is a Sally/Harry, anyway? Well, it’s really easier to explain if you’ve seen the excellent film and cultural phenomenon called When Harry Met Sally. In this film, Billy Crystal plays Harry, a cynical Jersey boy who attended the same university that Sally, played by Meg Ryan, did. Although they didn’t actually meet until they carpooled over to New York together.
The film follows their friendship, from that fateful cross-country drive all the way to their subsequent marriage, more than 10 years later.
The part that I want to direct your attention to is Harry’s contention that men and women can’t be friends “because the sex thing gets in the way.” Meaning (by Harry’s explanation, anyway) that there’s always a bit of attraction (“the sex thing”) going on in inter-gender relationships. Which means that (according to Harry) every inter-gender friendship a person has is basically tempting the fates. And torturing both of you, but that’s another story.
So. Whether you agree with it or not, I’ll be using “the Sally/Harry” to denote certain friendships which occur between one guy and one girl, and which have never been emotional or sexual in any way. Which means that an old boyfriend that it didn’t work out with doesn’t count. Anyway. Moving right along...
Classification
First, let’s have a look at the How of this phenomena. The variations on their modus operandi aren’t abundant-there’s the phone and there’s the internet. Real life might speed things up a bit too much, most likely resulting in a de-Sally/Harrying, as well as a graduation to boy/girlfriend, friends with rights, etc.
Friends of the Sally/Harry variety tend to speak on the phone at least 2 times a week, usually for at least half an hour, and sometimes as much as four or five hours a night. If said friends aren’t internet only, they may even meet up once or twice a week, although meeting is neither necessary nor sufficient for a diagnosis of the Sally/Harry.
I know what you’re thinking-“What on earth is wrong with the sort of friendship that you’re describing, Sally? Have you lost your mind? What’s going on, here?” All in good time, my friend, all in good time. For now, let’s have a look at the What and Why of this mystifying occurrence.
There are two main types of the Sally/Harry: the one-at-a-time, and the all-at-once, although a combining of the two results in the "Kitchen Sink" variety, as in “everything but the kitchen sink.” As the names suggest, the one-at-a-time ends up having one Sally/Harry-ship in his or her life at any given time. These may last weeks, months, years, or decades. The all-at-once, however, may have between three and 15 (of varying depths) at any one time. The Kitchen Sink may have three or four main friends at one time, as well as a number of lesser ones.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: “But wait! What you’re describing is just a normal person with lots of friends!”
Oho, gentle reader! It’s therein that lies the key to this whole sordid mess; the Sally/Harry pair is slightly (if not more so) closer than normal friends, because there’s a hidden spark of interest there, a question of “what if?” albeit on a subconscious level.
What sets this apart from a boy-girl pairing in which one or both are interested in the other is that many times, a person will be interested in someone in a romantic sense, but won’t see the point in having them as a friend if it happens to not work out.
The Sally/Harry, however, banks the spark of attraction and settles for the next best thing-a close friendship. The close nature of the friendship, however-the “this is what my boyfriend did wrong!” conversations end up revealing a more hidden side of the friends, and intimacy starts to develop. After a while, both parties may find themselves to be either half- or head-over-heels-in-love. Let’s look at the problems at this point...
Why Is It Bad?
One problem that the Sally/Harry Friendship Style (TM) can precipitate is that this person (or persons) might end up substituting for your social life, which is bad because if they’re all busy, you won’t have any real friends to talk with/whine to. Also, what if these friends find Someone? You’ll still be alone and they’ll be too busy to care, although if they’re not too busy to care, then their significant other might get jealous and make problems; you might even break them up.
The Sally/Harry can also be responsible for feelings of frustration. This frustration may or may not be on a conscious level, and can strike one or both parties. It results as a byproduct of the closeness, as I’ve mentioned, and causes one to ask, “What’s the next step?” and lament that there’s “nowhere to go from here.” This may be because of significant others in your or their lives, a lack of actual physical attraction, or an issue (such as distance, gossips at church, family pressures), but it could also be because no one wants to make the first move.
But not everyone’s a coward; some people actually do have “the talk,” and end up getting pretty close, in the only way they haven’t. The problem with that is that, unless you end up with some form of commitment, the friendship might be over. If it’s not over, you might end up in a “comfortable” relationship, which is bad because it could go back to being a marriage or relationship of largely platonic feelings (as before) more than anything else. You also might end up with someone who has traits or features that you don’t want in a mate (wrong religion, bad past, etc.), or wouldn’t have chosen had you never caved in and gotten physical. Of course, some people are more concerned with being married/in a comfortable relationship than with choosing someone who embodies all of his/her standards, which may, in time, lead to feelings of resentment.
Furthermore, this “comfortable” relationship can keep you from serious contenders for marriage, or the actual person you’re meant to be with. Although, I guess that if you’re meant to be with someone, even life can’t keep it from happening.
At any rate, the Sally/Harry, at the end of the day, is a bad option for anyone who’s serious about getting married, especially if said person is a prisoner of a closed-minded society. Like our fair Egyptian one...
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