Serial Dater, Moi?
(Otherwise known as “Those Who Feel as Though They Have to Get Exposed to Everyone Before They Can Make Their Choice”)
by Sally Bishai
Yes, it’s true. A great many repressed Arabs (and Westerners, for that matter) feel the need to literally look at every apartment complex in the entire town before they’ll sign a lease. Meaning, the Singleton may end up spending time with each and every singleton (of the opposite sex) before he (or she) decides which one to focus on, if any. Our friend may come across any one of four main problems with this mentality:
The first dilemma is that, even if they never once indulge in a physical relationship (or a subset thereof), there’s always the chance-nay, reality-that the coalition of local Egyptians may classify this singleton as a “playa,” or think that s/he has been “well handled.” Even if he or she hasn’t been.
Another side effect of this “getting to know everyone” bit is that the singleton risks getting used up-if not physically, then definitely emotionally and spiritually. How could they not, when they’ve pretty much bonded with everyone in the whole church/school/workplace, and would, as I said before, be considered “well-handled,” even if they’ve never indulged in a physical relationship.
The second main problem is that, well, we all get older. And what may have been cute or ok at 18 or 23 (like serial dating, not settling down, being a “flirt,” etc.) only ends up looking creepy and out-of-place when we’ve aged. Also, this getting older whilst searching for The Real Thing (TM) means that when we DO finally settle down, we’ll be more stuck in our ways than Egyptians-I mean people-usually are.
An example of this? Let’s meet Dr. Adel, who was married at 24. And divorced a week later. No one knows just why the first Mrs. Adel left him, and he’s not talking. Almost 30 years go by-he hits his 50th birthday-and suddenly decides to get married. Since he’s attractive and rich and educated, he has no trouble finding a young, lovely bride. So they get married. You’ll never believe me when I tell you that, not a week after the second Mrs. Adel moves in, she walks out on him, too.
A year later, a very subdued Dr. A. gives a speech to the youth of the church. “Kids, don’t get too set in your ways, remember that love is the key to every problem. One year ago, the brightest ray of sunshine to ever hit my life vanished, and it was all my fault. My new wife, who has since moved to Canada to be with family, walked out on my one day because I yelled at her in a horrible fashion. Why did I yell? What had she done wrong? She called and cancelled a standing appointment I had set up with a cleaning service many years ago. She wanted to save me a few hundred dollars a month, and was scrubbing the floor when I came home one day. How did I react? I threw the mop across the room and dumped the water over her head. And all because I didn’t like the idea that she’d gone “over my head” to change something that I’d arranged so long ago. I stand before you tonight a broken man, children. I had a second chance at happiness, and now it, too, is gone from my life. May you never grow so accustomed to being the lord of your own manor-and your own life-that you lose something precious that you never deserved in the first place.”
As you can imagine, there was complete and utter silence in the room as everyone considered the absurdity of the story. One of the more popular kids got up and led an impromptu sing-along, most likely in an attempt to take the embarrassing focus off of Adel.
In an interesting twist (which won’t always happen, and which doesn’t help me make my point at all, I might add), one of the teenagers had become chummy with Mrs. Adel during the brief time before the fracas, and emailed Canada with a report of what had happened. If you’ve ever contemplated a career writing soap operas and romantic dramas, you’ll guess the ending to the story: Mrs. A. called her husband (they’d never been divorced) shortly thereafter, informing him that he was to pick her up at the airport. “And Adel,” she finished, “Don’t be late.”
Now that I told you more of the story than I probably should have (sorry, but it was a great ending, and I couldn’t resist), let’s move along to problem number three, which is the acceptance into the lifestyle known as “serial dating (SD).”
Beware the Serial Dater!
Now, don’t get me wrong: constantly meeting new people and spending time with them (or dating the same few people all the time) isn’t always a horrible thing. After all, no one ever said one had to jump into bed with them, did they? Of course not. Serial dating (the third main problem), by the way, is dating the same people over and over, or new people all the time; it’s characterized by frequency (more than once or twice a week) and the constant maintaining of single status. That is, no matter how many people the serial dater sees, he or she is never “trapped” into a relationship. So. Let’s have a look at the positive aspects of this practice.
First off, you learn what you want in a mate, you learn what works for you and what doesn’t, and you get to refine your ideal of that elusive “dream person.” You also have sufficient time to mature, becoming who you are and not just “X’s spouse.” Finally, you have time to start a career, amass assets, and buy a house (yes, even the ladies).
But, as in anything, there are negative aspects to serial dating. As I’ve mentioned before, serial daters may wake up one day to find that they’ve gotten significantly older than they may have remembered themselves. And I’m sure you remember my tale of woe about Adel, who got too set in his ways (if you don’t, just ask yourself if you want to be the 37-year-old in the silk shirts and stale Davidoff, doing some new dance to pick up chicks half your age). Also, a serial dater who’s caught up in his or her career may begin to think twice about “giving it all up” for a family. (In the case that he or she has to travel a lot, or in the case that a female can’t afford to take 9 months out of her schedule, obviously.)
The remaining problems with this form of dating are issues which rise out of our stricter-than-Western culture, although I’m sad to say that things are changing such that morals don’t matter as much as they once did (I’m gonna get crucified for making Westerners sound like the least immoral things to walk the planet, aren’t I.). So maybe you don’t consider these dangers of SD to actually be dangerous, in which case, you may as well skip over this last section.
The serial dater may get ruined, purity-wise. In a way, it would be odd (and disconcerting, even to me) to find that an attractive 40-year-old who spent all his time with women was actually a virgin, but anyway. He may not actually be that pure, however, and might end up getting jaded (and turn into a true “ho,” as rappers like to say). Finally, the SD may develop a reprobate mind and end up living with a significant other, although I don’t imagine that many Egyptians who go to church actually advertise the fact that they’re cohabiting.
One point that a number of 50/50s have made to me about this new modernization of Egypt and the Egyptian way is saddening to a traditionalist like me-they say that they prefer the system here, because it’s better to do what you do out in the open (as though it’s ok), rather than going on about how “wrong” it is and still doing it (meaning that they think the Egyptian way is hypocritical. Yep, these 50/50s were all guys, every last one of them).
My answer to that would be that it’s preferable to admit that something’s wrong, but that you’re going to keep doing it, rather than actually changing your mind to fit what you feel like doing at the time. That’s like changing the terms of a bet after having shaken hands. To me, that’s worse than the alleged hypocrisy that’s rampant in Egypt. But that’s a whole other article...
(Want to keep reading? Then head on over to Amazon.com to buy my first book, Mid East Meets West!)
by Sally Bishai
Yes, it’s true. A great many repressed Arabs (and Westerners, for that matter) feel the need to literally look at every apartment complex in the entire town before they’ll sign a lease. Meaning, the Singleton may end up spending time with each and every singleton (of the opposite sex) before he (or she) decides which one to focus on, if any. Our friend may come across any one of four main problems with this mentality:
The first dilemma is that, even if they never once indulge in a physical relationship (or a subset thereof), there’s always the chance-nay, reality-that the coalition of local Egyptians may classify this singleton as a “playa,” or think that s/he has been “well handled.” Even if he or she hasn’t been.
Another side effect of this “getting to know everyone” bit is that the singleton risks getting used up-if not physically, then definitely emotionally and spiritually. How could they not, when they’ve pretty much bonded with everyone in the whole church/school/workplace, and would, as I said before, be considered “well-handled,” even if they’ve never indulged in a physical relationship.
The second main problem is that, well, we all get older. And what may have been cute or ok at 18 or 23 (like serial dating, not settling down, being a “flirt,” etc.) only ends up looking creepy and out-of-place when we’ve aged. Also, this getting older whilst searching for The Real Thing (TM) means that when we DO finally settle down, we’ll be more stuck in our ways than Egyptians-I mean people-usually are.
An example of this? Let’s meet Dr. Adel, who was married at 24. And divorced a week later. No one knows just why the first Mrs. Adel left him, and he’s not talking. Almost 30 years go by-he hits his 50th birthday-and suddenly decides to get married. Since he’s attractive and rich and educated, he has no trouble finding a young, lovely bride. So they get married. You’ll never believe me when I tell you that, not a week after the second Mrs. Adel moves in, she walks out on him, too.
A year later, a very subdued Dr. A. gives a speech to the youth of the church. “Kids, don’t get too set in your ways, remember that love is the key to every problem. One year ago, the brightest ray of sunshine to ever hit my life vanished, and it was all my fault. My new wife, who has since moved to Canada to be with family, walked out on my one day because I yelled at her in a horrible fashion. Why did I yell? What had she done wrong? She called and cancelled a standing appointment I had set up with a cleaning service many years ago. She wanted to save me a few hundred dollars a month, and was scrubbing the floor when I came home one day. How did I react? I threw the mop across the room and dumped the water over her head. And all because I didn’t like the idea that she’d gone “over my head” to change something that I’d arranged so long ago. I stand before you tonight a broken man, children. I had a second chance at happiness, and now it, too, is gone from my life. May you never grow so accustomed to being the lord of your own manor-and your own life-that you lose something precious that you never deserved in the first place.”
As you can imagine, there was complete and utter silence in the room as everyone considered the absurdity of the story. One of the more popular kids got up and led an impromptu sing-along, most likely in an attempt to take the embarrassing focus off of Adel.
In an interesting twist (which won’t always happen, and which doesn’t help me make my point at all, I might add), one of the teenagers had become chummy with Mrs. Adel during the brief time before the fracas, and emailed Canada with a report of what had happened. If you’ve ever contemplated a career writing soap operas and romantic dramas, you’ll guess the ending to the story: Mrs. A. called her husband (they’d never been divorced) shortly thereafter, informing him that he was to pick her up at the airport. “And Adel,” she finished, “Don’t be late.”
Now that I told you more of the story than I probably should have (sorry, but it was a great ending, and I couldn’t resist), let’s move along to problem number three, which is the acceptance into the lifestyle known as “serial dating (SD).”
Beware the Serial Dater!
Now, don’t get me wrong: constantly meeting new people and spending time with them (or dating the same few people all the time) isn’t always a horrible thing. After all, no one ever said one had to jump into bed with them, did they? Of course not. Serial dating (the third main problem), by the way, is dating the same people over and over, or new people all the time; it’s characterized by frequency (more than once or twice a week) and the constant maintaining of single status. That is, no matter how many people the serial dater sees, he or she is never “trapped” into a relationship. So. Let’s have a look at the positive aspects of this practice.
First off, you learn what you want in a mate, you learn what works for you and what doesn’t, and you get to refine your ideal of that elusive “dream person.” You also have sufficient time to mature, becoming who you are and not just “X’s spouse.” Finally, you have time to start a career, amass assets, and buy a house (yes, even the ladies).
But, as in anything, there are negative aspects to serial dating. As I’ve mentioned before, serial daters may wake up one day to find that they’ve gotten significantly older than they may have remembered themselves. And I’m sure you remember my tale of woe about Adel, who got too set in his ways (if you don’t, just ask yourself if you want to be the 37-year-old in the silk shirts and stale Davidoff, doing some new dance to pick up chicks half your age). Also, a serial dater who’s caught up in his or her career may begin to think twice about “giving it all up” for a family. (In the case that he or she has to travel a lot, or in the case that a female can’t afford to take 9 months out of her schedule, obviously.)
The remaining problems with this form of dating are issues which rise out of our stricter-than-Western culture, although I’m sad to say that things are changing such that morals don’t matter as much as they once did (I’m gonna get crucified for making Westerners sound like the least immoral things to walk the planet, aren’t I.). So maybe you don’t consider these dangers of SD to actually be dangerous, in which case, you may as well skip over this last section.
The serial dater may get ruined, purity-wise. In a way, it would be odd (and disconcerting, even to me) to find that an attractive 40-year-old who spent all his time with women was actually a virgin, but anyway. He may not actually be that pure, however, and might end up getting jaded (and turn into a true “ho,” as rappers like to say). Finally, the SD may develop a reprobate mind and end up living with a significant other, although I don’t imagine that many Egyptians who go to church actually advertise the fact that they’re cohabiting.
One point that a number of 50/50s have made to me about this new modernization of Egypt and the Egyptian way is saddening to a traditionalist like me-they say that they prefer the system here, because it’s better to do what you do out in the open (as though it’s ok), rather than going on about how “wrong” it is and still doing it (meaning that they think the Egyptian way is hypocritical. Yep, these 50/50s were all guys, every last one of them).
My answer to that would be that it’s preferable to admit that something’s wrong, but that you’re going to keep doing it, rather than actually changing your mind to fit what you feel like doing at the time. That’s like changing the terms of a bet after having shaken hands. To me, that’s worse than the alleged hypocrisy that’s rampant in Egypt. But that’s a whole other article...
(Want to keep reading? Then head on over to Amazon.com to buy my first book, Mid East Meets West!)
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