How To Hold On To Your Friends
How To Hold On To Your Friends
By Sally Bishai
Some people are just born with a penchant for making friends. They can go about their daily lives, scarcely exchanging words or digits with a person, and yet inspiring an almost eerie devotion in others. No, I’m not talking about the alleged “beautiful people”-you know, those model-like individuals that people clamor to hang out with, yet shy away from because, well, “Why would someone that cool/stylish/gorgeous want to hang out with me?”
No, I’m talking about the people who don’t generally look like goddesses, and yet have the best looking significant others (despite the fact that they, themselves, could be described in less-than-glowing terms), legions of people willing to help them if they (God-forbid) should develop cancer or have to move across the state, and professional opportunities galore. What do they have that you don’t? Humbleness? Pheromones? A Gold Card?
And furthermore, how can you, my peon, get it?
Low self esteem aside (that’s another lecture, my pet), one must start out with the knowledge that he or she isn’t pond scum. Oh, they might act like it, but intrinsically (and most importantly), he or she does have value. A Christian might chalk it up to being made in God’s image, another religious person might attribute his or her worth to being a creation of “a” creator, and an atheist (?) or Shirley MacLaine-ist might go on about how they ARE god (I hope they don’t actually think that they’re God, but more religious discourse another time, I promise) and, hence, are the Living End (or whatever New-Agers think about that tripe. Ooh, did I just step on anyone’s toes? Bad me! How dare I be holier-than-thou in my own magazine! Actually, I dare to say whatever I please, because I have logical arguments to back me up, but that’s REALLY not something we need to be getting into while I’m telling you how to win friends and influence people. Sigh. In a perfect world...)
*Anyway* back to the issue at hand, and with no more religious goings-on (promise!), here are some ways to hold on to your friends. (If you have some, that is. Can’t help you if you don’t get out there!)
Don’t take advantage of them.
Don’t charge them gas money for a trip to the mall that you were going to take anyway. Don’t take take take and never give. Don’t be petty.
Don’t take them for granted.
Don’t assume that they’re always going to be there for you, and don’t assume that they have no life of their own. Of course, they very well could be without a discernable social life, but that’s not the point. Don’t rope them into things and basically ignore their validity as functioning humans. If you do, you might end up flat on your back one day, looking for a ride home from the airport or looking very silly in front of dozens of people.
Say thank you.
This goes back to the whole “don’t take them for granted” thing. will it really hurt you so much TO say “thanks” every so often? If nothing else, they might be more likely to help you out next time, so there you are.
Don’t spend the entire conversation talking about them-
You’ll either fall in love with them or grow to resent them. They may even find you creepy or wish-washy.
Don’t spend the entire time talking about you, either.
Don’t assume they want to hear every detail! They may think you’re overbearing, chatty, or egocentric. Again, if someone listens to your pathetic life for hours, there’s a problem with them, or else they moonlight in a mental health hotline. (Not saying they should call for their own mental health once work is over, but if the shoe fits...) If, however, you happen to be an out-and-out celebrity, their obsessing over your life is (slightly) less creepy.
Don’t make them your world.
What would you do if the person you’ve taken advantage of and never thanked (but nevertheless fills your world) finds someone who appreciates them more? Think about that one, compadre.
Let them know you care-
Don’t be afraid to show a little righteous anger on their behalf! Of course, if you take it too far and they’re obviously not too into it (“What? You mean you DON’T want me to take Wayne Newton out for you? But really, it’s no trouble!”) then lay off, quick, or else they’ll think you’re psycho or obsessed.
Don’t work with them.
Live with them. Whatever. It might ruin an otherwise excellent relationship, especially if your desk or bedroom are a mess, or if you’re a neatnik and they’re the slob-arificus. In an especially colorful Egyptian proverb, we learn that “El Dokhann el orayyeb beyee3mi.” That is, “Smoke from nearby can blind you.”
Be selective!
Every friendship isn’t worth working on, every relationship isn’t worth saving, and every person you meet or exchange contact info with is NOT worth the trouble of screening, wooing, and ultimately befriending. (We’re talking true friendship here, not just the bond that results from sharing a seat on the subway every morning.) If you drop a Wet N’ Wild lipstick or a Rimmel eyeshadow, I hardly think you’ll go digging under the drink cart on the airplane you’re flying. Chanel, Gucci, and Prada however, or anything over 20 bucks a pop, is kinda worth it. Hold out for the Chanels or Pradas of friends! (Does Prada even make make-up? Anyway.)
Don’t be afraid to blow your own horn-
In moderation. People like to be proud of their friends (unless they’re the weaselly jealous type, in which case you don’t need them anyway) and people like success. At the same time, don’t regale said friends with your celebrity (alleged or bona fide) at all hours or you’ll be talking to yourself very soon.
Be careful of telling them too much about yourself.
Apart from the totally paranoid, yet somewhat founded 9/11 slash Columbine slash Unabomber-induced bit about plausible deniability, the inevitable wire taps and hidden cameras, the PATRIOT ACT, et al, one needs to remember that there are SOME friendships/relationships that may dissolve after some time. Do you really want your entire bared soul to be the property of someone you don’t trust, or at least hang with very much anymore? Furthermore, there’s always the chance that you might fall in love with them. After all, “The more you share, the more you care.” And we can’t have that, can we? (well, maybe we can, but that’s another article.)
Don’t make it easy for them to betray you.
What might feel like “Oh, I’m so lucky to find someone to trust” could end up a bittersweet happiness when they inadvertently (or not) take advantage. Why bitterSWEET? Well, because some people think that someone worth trusting only comes along once a lifetime. And rush in. And whine to me so much that I added this warning to my article. And wrote this article in the first place, actually.
At any rate, this is just the tip of the iceberg, BUT the things that'll make the most difference in your relationships. Always assuming, of course, that you've met some people to have relationships with , but that's another story for another time...
Some people are just born with a penchant for making friends. They can go about their daily lives, scarcely exchanging words or digits with a person, and yet inspiring an almost eerie devotion in others. No, I’m not talking about the alleged “beautiful people”-you know, those model-like individuals that people clamor to hang out with, yet shy away from because, well, “Why would someone that cool/stylish/gorgeous want to hang out with me?”
No, I’m talking about the people who don’t generally look like goddesses, and yet have the best looking significant others (despite the fact that they, themselves, could be described in less-than-glowing terms), legions of people willing to help them if they (God-forbid) should develop cancer or have to move across the state, and professional opportunities galore. What do they have that you don’t? Humbleness? Pheromones? A Gold Card?
And furthermore, how can you, my peon, get it?
Low self esteem aside (that’s another lecture, my pet), one must start out with the knowledge that he or she isn’t pond scum. Oh, they might act like it, but intrinsically (and most importantly), he or she does have value. A Christian might chalk it up to being made in God’s image, another religious person might attribute his or her worth to being a creation of “a” creator, and an atheist (?) or Shirley MacLaine-ist might go on about how they ARE god (I hope they don’t actually think that they’re God, but more religious discourse another time, I promise) and, hence, are the Living End (or whatever New-Agers think about that tripe. Ooh, did I just step on anyone’s toes? Bad me! How dare I be holier-than-thou in my own magazine! Actually, I dare to say whatever I please, because I have logical arguments to back me up, but that’s REALLY not something we need to be getting into while I’m telling you how to win friends and influence people. Sigh. In a perfect world...)
*Anyway* back to the issue at hand, and with no more religious goings-on (promise!), here are some ways to hold on to your friends. (If you have some, that is. Can’t help you if you don’t get out there!)
Don’t take advantage of them.
Don’t charge them gas money for a trip to the mall that you were going to take anyway. Don’t take take take and never give. Don’t be petty.
Don’t take them for granted.
Don’t assume that they’re always going to be there for you, and don’t assume that they have no life of their own. Of course, they very well could be without a discernable social life, but that’s not the point. Don’t rope them into things and basically ignore their validity as functioning humans. If you do, you might end up flat on your back one day, looking for a ride home from the airport or looking very silly in front of dozens of people.
Say thank you.
This goes back to the whole “don’t take them for granted” thing. will it really hurt you so much TO say “thanks” every so often? If nothing else, they might be more likely to help you out next time, so there you are.
Don’t spend the entire conversation talking about them-
You’ll either fall in love with them or grow to resent them. They may even find you creepy or wish-washy.
Don’t spend the entire time talking about you, either.
Don’t assume they want to hear every detail! They may think you’re overbearing, chatty, or egocentric. Again, if someone listens to your pathetic life for hours, there’s a problem with them, or else they moonlight in a mental health hotline. (Not saying they should call for their own mental health once work is over, but if the shoe fits...) If, however, you happen to be an out-and-out celebrity, their obsessing over your life is (slightly) less creepy.
Don’t make them your world.
What would you do if the person you’ve taken advantage of and never thanked (but nevertheless fills your world) finds someone who appreciates them more? Think about that one, compadre.
Let them know you care-
Don’t be afraid to show a little righteous anger on their behalf! Of course, if you take it too far and they’re obviously not too into it (“What? You mean you DON’T want me to take Wayne Newton out for you? But really, it’s no trouble!”) then lay off, quick, or else they’ll think you’re psycho or obsessed.
Don’t work with them.
Live with them. Whatever. It might ruin an otherwise excellent relationship, especially if your desk or bedroom are a mess, or if you’re a neatnik and they’re the slob-arificus. In an especially colorful Egyptian proverb, we learn that “El Dokhann el orayyeb beyee3mi.” That is, “Smoke from nearby can blind you.”
Be selective!
Every friendship isn’t worth working on, every relationship isn’t worth saving, and every person you meet or exchange contact info with is NOT worth the trouble of screening, wooing, and ultimately befriending. (We’re talking true friendship here, not just the bond that results from sharing a seat on the subway every morning.) If you drop a Wet N’ Wild lipstick or a Rimmel eyeshadow, I hardly think you’ll go digging under the drink cart on the airplane you’re flying. Chanel, Gucci, and Prada however, or anything over 20 bucks a pop, is kinda worth it. Hold out for the Chanels or Pradas of friends! (Does Prada even make make-up? Anyway.)
Don’t be afraid to blow your own horn-
In moderation. People like to be proud of their friends (unless they’re the weaselly jealous type, in which case you don’t need them anyway) and people like success. At the same time, don’t regale said friends with your celebrity (alleged or bona fide) at all hours or you’ll be talking to yourself very soon.
Be careful of telling them too much about yourself.
Apart from the totally paranoid, yet somewhat founded 9/11 slash Columbine slash Unabomber-induced bit about plausible deniability, the inevitable wire taps and hidden cameras, the PATRIOT ACT, et al, one needs to remember that there are SOME friendships/relationships that may dissolve after some time. Do you really want your entire bared soul to be the property of someone you don’t trust, or at least hang with very much anymore? Furthermore, there’s always the chance that you might fall in love with them. After all, “The more you share, the more you care.” And we can’t have that, can we? (well, maybe we can, but that’s another article.)
Don’t make it easy for them to betray you.
What might feel like “Oh, I’m so lucky to find someone to trust” could end up a bittersweet happiness when they inadvertently (or not) take advantage. Why bitterSWEET? Well, because some people think that someone worth trusting only comes along once a lifetime. And rush in. And whine to me so much that I added this warning to my article. And wrote this article in the first place, actually.
At any rate, this is just the tip of the iceberg, BUT the things that'll make the most difference in your relationships. Always assuming, of course, that you've met some people to have relationships with , but that's another story for another time...
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